Solutions for Successful Aging
Most difficult part
The most difficult part for me is that I can never "fix" her! I can pretty well identify her needs and now I have resources (Yea CaringSource!) to meet those needs...and then I think "OK, she's good now. It's fixed." Before you know it, she has another "need" or crisis. It's exhausting trying to make her world as good as it can be, but it's never good enough. Leaving her behind in the care of "strangers" is so hard.
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Blaikie Collins on -
it is so hard to endure things that are beyond our control. this is a great place where faith steps in and you get a chance to relinquish things to God, (since we can't control them anyway)... and when you don't think He's there or you don't sense His presence, that's ok too, because he's immovable and will be there for you when you return. leaving her in the care of strangers does require a huge amount of trust, you are doing the right thing by being so "hands on" with your mother's care... communicating with others in the caregiving community is crucial to keeping your finger on the pulse of the situations you find your loved one in.
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Permalink Reply by Ginny on -
Thanks Robyn...One of the difficulties of caregiving is second guessing the decisions we have to make each day regarding her care. It is confusing beacuse roles are reversed and now we are parenting our parent. I am learning daily that God actually is in control and is trustworthy!
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Blaikie Collins on
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That's awesome. Isn't it?
BTW, Your photo of your mom is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it with us, it personalizes things even more for people.
Ginny said:Thanks Robyn...One of the difficulties of caregiving is second guessing the decisions we have to make each day regarding her care. It is confusing beacuse roles are reversed and now we are parenting our parent. I am learning daily that God actually is in control and is trustworthy!
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Permalink Reply by Bryan Ford on -
I agree. One of the toughest issues I routinely see is families dealing with dementia. It is often said, that a disease like Alzheimer's is worse on the family than it is on the patient, because it is hard to watch your once strong and capable parent mentally decline. The keys to allowing others to care for your parents are stay involved and keep lines of communication open. Some things I would suggest: talk to the staff of the nursing /assisted living home often; when possible, visit or have a family or friend visit your parent and share a meal; set up quarterly meetings with the medical team (doctor, head nurse, social worker); and keep doing things like this - stay plugged in and communicate with family, friends and other caregivers like you. Thank you for sharing.
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Permalink Reply by Jeanette Meyer on -
I share your thoughts exactly with mention to keeping everything "fixed." It seems I go from worrying about one pressure point or a sore healing just to find something else is catching my attention. I sometimes can drive the Hospice aid crazy as I point out everything that I find from day to day. They are so sweet in caring and taking care of my concern. Hospice is wonderful in working with me and my "fretting moments." I realized after about a year, that I cannot fix anything. It has to take its course. I have rethought my approach. I take each event or change of health one experience at a time. I was making myself crazy. I have come to really accept that she is not getting better, as my goal in the beginning was totally make my mother well. Mentally, I was determined to do this. After a year has past, a light went on inside of me, that said "she is not getting totally well no matter what I do." I cannot prevent this disease of progressing, and I cannot change the course. It is in God's hands and I can only do what I can do each day, one day at a time. This burden of thinking I can make her well again has subsided and the constant race to fix everything is becoming reality as the disease is the boss. If that makes any sense. I have not let go of the ability to leave her with strangers so I understand your heartache as you struggle with that. I do too. I have hardly left my home in over a year. Hospice offers sitters and someone to come a few hours now and again, and I cannot even do that. Everyone tells me that I should, and that I need to do that, but I just do not. I struggle with that too. It sounds like she is being well cared for so do not be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best that you can with the situation. That is what is important.
You are doing all that you can do to the best of your ability. It sounds like your mother is loved very much.
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Permalink Reply by Jeanette Meyer on
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I read your statement about the most difficult part of caring the aging, and I saw where you said that keeping her "fixed" is hard and identifying her needs. Lately, I am starting to look at myself and when I go passed a mirror - I have just noticed that after the care for my mom has passed, there is alot about me that needs to be "fixed". I just noticed that I have really let myself go. I have gained weight, I do not have to worry too much about how I look since I hardly leave the house, makeup is just an option each day, and I do not remember the last time that I went to the dentist myself, yet I fret about my mother's teeth decaying if she cannot go anymore. I just found this amusing this morning as I said "when things settle down after my mom's disease takes it's course, it may take years to get myself "fixed". ha.............
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Blaikie Collins on
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Wow, Jeanette. what a great point you bring out. People need to take care of themselves. That is one reason this community is so crucial, when we share our burdens and do not feel so alone, our outlook on life is improved. When our outlook is more positive we can see things more clearly and with a bigger picture, without staying so focused on our own personal trial. (And it's also interesting to think about how we also care for our children more than we do ourselves, many times. One way to make progress is to accept grace and receive peace for yourself, that when you take care of yourself you are better able to care for those around you. We know that when we are well rested, we are less likely to be short-tempered. We know that when we are hungry, its hard to concentrate on anything else. The key is to feed your soul, your spirit, your body, so you can serve from the overflow. In the immortal words of Kit De Luca from Pretty Woman... "Take care of you." We are here to help you do that. Thanks for sharing.
Jeanette Meyer said:I read your statement about the most difficult part of caring the aging, and I saw where you said that keeping her "fixed" is hard and identifying her needs. Lately, I am starting to look at myself and when I go passed a mirror - I have just noticed that after the care for my mom has passed, there is alot about me that needs to be "fixed". I just noticed that I have really let myself go. I have gained weight, I do not have to worry too much about how I look since I hardly leave the house, makeup is just an option each day, and I do not remember the last time that I went to the dentist myself, yet I fret about my mother's teeth decaying if she cannot go anymore. I just found this amusing this morning as I said "when things settle down after my mom's disease takes it's course, it may take years to get myself "fixed". ha.............
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Permalink Reply by Ginny on
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Great discussion! I never really consciously thought that I was trying to "totally make my mother well"...but I guess that is where I too have been for so long! Really, in thinking about it, that is what trying to "fix" her means! Thanks for the insight! You are right...in human terms, the disease is the boss. I think it is just against human nature to not try.
As for wearing ourselves out...I fully understand that! For years when needed our family has rallied and taken care of Mother around the clock. Finally...jobs began to suffer, as did our health and my whole life revolved around taking care of Mother. Even after assisted living, nursing home and now dementia unit. Finally we resorted to sitters, esp at night. Gradually, as I have sifted thru a bunch of caretakers, I found good sitters and that has helped. Now the dementia unit is asking me to stop sitters and let their staff handle her. Another trust issue to people I have only known since June!
So in 2 weeks I am cutting down to 5 days a week instead of 7. Financially I know we have to stop sitters. Emotionally...the roller coaster starts again. Just when she "stabilizes" a little. And the sitters telephone is my night time "good-night" link since I had to disconnect her phone - she was leaving me 20-30 voice mails every hour.
My mind tells me I need to take care of myself. I haven't been able to get there yet. But Jeanette, I think you do have to start allowing others to lift some burden off of you. Remember the movie "What About Bob"? You will have to take "baby steps" and push yourself out of your comfort zone. After all...if something happens to you - who else would do all you do for her? Like with our children...sometimes it takes the greatest love to let them go...
You are in my prayers!
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Permalink Reply by Jeanette Meyer on
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Wow, Ginny, you have alot of decisions to make. Just when you think everything is under control. Isn't that how life is? As you tell me this, my mind goes to thinking that perhaps this is from the Lord. I have noticed in my own life that when something comes from out of nowhere, a new plan, or a new doctor was introduced to our situation it was always for the best.
God was taking the opportunity to bring something into my mother's life that would be necessary to take a look at for a reason later that would show itself. This new idea to put her with the dementia group may be for the best care that will be possible for her for reasons that will become prevalent soon but does not show itself right now. I have found in my life that is always how God has gone ahead of me to provide the path to follow.
I can imagine the expenses. It gets very costly. I would not mind spending the money sometimes if the quality is there and we are getting what we pay for. You are finally there and now this new idea has entered the equation. I, likewise, will be praying for you and your decision for your mother. I can imagine your stress level as you are trying to handle your life and its needs and also the stress related to caring for your mom. Once in awhile, I can feel the pressure of it all build up and I just have to sit down, take a breath, pray, and ask the Lord for direction, strength, courage, and humor. Usually, a cup of coffee and a treat that I should not be eating does the trick.
I did take the first step of getting myself in order some. Robyn encouraged me to this task. I went to the dentist. Needless to say, he is very concerned about my teeth because I have been grinding, and this has cracked some of the upper teeth and the lower two, have been ground to the root exposure level. (HHHHHHmmmmmm, I wonder why?) ha........I have to go back next week to talk further with the dentist for crowns and a root canal to permanently seal the teeth from more damage. One cavity. So, thank you Robyn, I am glad you prodded me to go take care of myself and get this done. I am sure I would not have gone anytime soon, if you had not emailed me a few days ago about taking care of things for myself.
Ginny, you are right about taking time to keep ourselves going. I appreciate your suggestions. I will talk with the kids and see who wants to take an afternoon this Sunday and come stay with their grandmother so Steve and I can go out. We did this last Sunday and we had a great time. It is necessary but so easy to get in a rut and not stay active. This brings up another issue, our poor, sweet husbands who stand by our sides and take second seat to our marriages right now while we stay so busy with our mothers. My husband has been so kind and supportive. But, deep down, I know he misses being able to go and come as we please, to take off for the weekend the way we use to. Our marriage and his world revolves around the statement " maybe....gotta wait and see what Mama needs first and then we can decide this or that........." He is a saint. But, I know he misses the two of us.
I am thinking of you and let me know what you decide about the dementia team and its care for your mother. Have a good week. I will pray for your strength and the decisions you need to make. Your friend, Jeanette
Ginny said:Great discussion! I never really consciously thought that I was trying to "totally make my mother well"...but I guess that is where I too have been for so long! Really, in thinking about it, that is what trying to "fix" her means! Thanks for the insight! You are right...in human terms, the disease is the boss. I think it is just against human nature to not try.
As for wearing ourselves out...I fully understand that! For years when needed our family has rallied and taken care of Mother around the clock. Finally...jobs began to suffer, as did our health and my whole life revolved around taking care of Mother. Even after assisted living, nursing home and now dementia unit. Finally we resorted to sitters, esp at night. Gradually, as I have sifted thru a bunch of caretakers, I found good sitters and that has helped. Now the dementia unit is asking me to stop sitters and let their staff handle her. Another trust issue to people I have only known since June!
So in 2 weeks I am cutting down to 5 days a week instead of 7. Financially I know we have to stop sitters. Emotionally...the roller coaster starts again. Just when she "stabilizes" a little. And the sitters telephone is my night time "good-night" link since I had to disconnect her phone - she was leaving me 20-30 voice mails every hour.
My mind tells me I need to take care of myself. I haven't been able to get there yet. But Jeanette, I think you do have to start allowing others to lift some burden off of you. Remember the movie "What About Bob"? You will have to take "baby steps" and push yourself out of your comfort zone. After all...if something happens to you - who else would do all you do for her? Like with our children...sometimes it takes the greatest love to let them go...
You are in my prayers!
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Permalink Reply by Ginny on
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I'm proud of you, Jeanette! You ARE taking baby steps! Asking and allowing others to come help so you can get away is a huge thing. It all begins with trusting others. Maybe they won't do it "our way"...but it will most likely get done and I have learned a lot from her caretakers. My sister-in-law often tells me "she (Mother) will survive" - and she has proven herself to be a tough one. But, like you and others, I want the best for her and it is hard to realize there is no "best" for her anymore...just all we can do.
Our Mothers have lived a long and full life and they would not want us to literally kill ourselves for them. I have found in Mother's dementia that she pretty easily allows others to care for her after they become familiar to her. She can't tell you her sitter's names...but she relaxes in their care, and it is a blessing to me to begin to have some freedom. For caretakers, freedom doesn't necessarily mean free with our time as much as it means peace of mind - just for a while. Free to think about and spend time with others we love as much as our mothers - like our patient husbands who have taken a backseat to all of this stuff!
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Permalink Reply by Jeanette Meyer on
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You made a very good point that our mothers will relax in the care of other people. I guess I am the one who wants to think that she is only taken care of properly by me. My mother in law past away last weekend and there was a service in Fair Hope. I had to go. I had to be there for my son and his wife. It is a 4 hour trip - we left early in the morning and because I would not stay over night and " needed " to get back for my mother, we drove all the way back the same evening and returned at midnight, to find her " YES, SLEEPING LIKE A BABY, FED, DRY AND THE ROOF DID NOT CAVE IN" while I was gone. To my amazement, things did continue on while she was not in my care. Ha........It is me that needs to rethink things sometimes. I do not even think she missed me as far as that goes. So, thank you for reminding me that they will do just fine and enjoy someone else. I loved seeing everyone - even under those conditions, and it meant alot to my son and his wife and her family that our family was able to go. You have a great weekend and God bless you as you care for your precious mom. She looks so sweet in the photo, like a fun person.
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Blaikie Collins on
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jeanette,
that's incredible that you were able to be there for your family, in so many ways. I'm sure that it took courage and required faith that you didn't know you had, but just got strengthened by your decision. Thank you so much for sharing your journey along the way. I know your steps are going to continue to be encouraging to others. I hope that coming back to find her well taken care of has gone far to give you trust in the care that others are available to give. You know you have been blessed by serving her, and when we allow others to serve for us and with us, we give them a gift in that as well. It is so exciting to see the encouragement from other carehelpers (Ginny, specifically) and how the sharing is bringing some joy in the process.
Jeanette Meyer said:You made a very good point that our mothers will relax in the care of other people. I guess I am the one who wants to think that she is only taken care of properly by me. My mother in law past away last weekend and there was a service in Fair Hope. I had to go. I had to be there for my son and his wife. It is a 4 hour trip - we left early in the morning and because I would not stay over night and " needed " to get back for my mother, we drove all the way back the same evening and returned at midnight, to find her " YES, SLEEPING LIKE A BABY, FED, DRY AND THE ROOF DID NOT CAVE IN" while I was gone. To my amazement, things did continue on while she was not in my care. Ha........It is me that needs to rethink things sometimes. I do not even think she missed me as far as that goes. So, thank you for reminding me that they will do just fine and enjoy someone else. I loved seeing everyone - even under those conditions, and it meant alot to my son and his wife and her family that our family was able to go. You have a great weekend and God bless you as you care for your precious mom. She looks so sweet in the photo, like a fun person.
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